When we found out we were pregnant I was 20 years old. Matt (my darling boyfriend) kept telling me, "I think you are pregnant" and I kept saying "NO I'm not! It's just a food baby" (we had recently seen the movie Juno) Our lives were significantly different then...
We went out drinking regularly. Going to bars and restaurants and having a good ol' time. Although Matt does have two children from his previous marriage, we never really felt tied down.
I have to admit, before becoming a mother I was pretty selfish and conceited. I only cared about myself and never really thought about making sacrifices for any one else. (Other than Matt). But what 19-20 year old isn't right? Now that I think about it, the freedom was nice...
But there is no better feeling than being completely responsible for yourself and your child. Sometimes I do miss those days of making crazy decisions with little or no thought because I only had myself to worry about. Life was a lot more simple then.
We hadn't planned on this pregnancy, but we weren't avoiding it either. I have always been much of a free spirit. Always believing that everything happens for a reason and if God thinks I am ready for a baby than I think I am too. Matt and I were very much in love and would be happy to start a family whenever the time came. I wasn't hoping to get pregnant but I wasn't disappointed by the idea either.
Being pregnant-
After waiting the 3 longest minutes of my life and walking into the bathroom feeling as if I am going to faint, the test was positive. My heart pounded out of my chest as if I were going to die. I was so dizzy and nervous I wasn't sure how to feel. I wanted to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. Like all men, Matt wasn't too assuring. He seemed happy, but no man could ever imagine what it must feel like to find out you have a baby inside you. Not only that, but he had also been through it all before so he didn't have all the crazy emotions stirring up inside him.
After finally realizing there is a baby in there, I had to start taking some action! I was never the healthy type. Just a year prior I was living off of cigarettes and Dr. Pepper! So gradually I cut out the soda to one a day... no caffine of course. I started eating healthier meals, started eating smaller portions six times a day, three of them being calcium fortified. Started drinking milk (which I have never been able to keep down my entire life) and eating "belly bars" as a snack.
I think there are two major fears of young moms when they are pregnant, getting stretch marks and saggy boobs, and having to physically push a baby out of you. Atleast they were for me. So of course I had an every day ritual of applying lotion everywhere my body was growing. I had a friend who had a c-section and she was saying that it was the best thing ever and she couldn't imagine having to have a natural birth... Seems easy enough right?
I was going through everything I was feeling with my older sister (who is like my mother) and she told me, "NO WAY! That girl is crazy! It is a major surgery. You will be in the hospital a lot longer and you will have to recover for months!" So I decided I wanted to have a natural birth.
We also got on the discussion of breastfeeding. I told her I wasn't interested in breastfeeding because I did not want to have saggy breasts and stretch marks. This was not a good thing to say to her. She has 3 daughters which she breastfed every one of them for atleast a year!
She told me that I would be selfish if I did not breastfeed. That it is the best thing for the baby, and a major bonding experience that you will get in no other way. The main thing that she said that changed my mind was when she said, "Mom had a lot of problems with you when you were a baby. You were allergic to every kind of milk there was for babies. They had to end up making special formula for you because you were unable to keep anything down. She probably wouldn't have had those problems if she would have breastfed you." I surely didn't want to have those problems and hey, I would love to bond with my baby. So I said what the hay, I'll give it a try!
I know it must sound silly for me to say this but as the next 8 months went by, I was sortof in denial that there really really was a baby in there and that I would have to give birth to her eventually. I kindof had this thought in my head that my tummy was just growing and growing and then the stork would bring my baby. I knew this wasn't the truth but for some reason I just thought I would either be pregnant forever or one day I wouldn't be pregnant anymore and TADA! There's my baby! I guess that was just a small peek into the mind of a young pregnant mother who could be very nieve at times. But I think it did help me with the anxiety that all women feel when they are pregnant.
I remember waking up in the morning being 4 months pregnant and saying to myself, "am I really pregnant or was it all just a dream?" Then I would look down at my enormous tummy and say "OH YEAH, I am pregnant!"After that I always remembered that I was pregnant. I think the reason why I never overlooked it after that was because we found out we were having a baby girl. For as long as I could remember, I had always drempt of having a baby girl. We had gotten the ultrasound just a few days before my 21st birthday and I kept singing "It's a girl! It's a girl!" for like a week. It was the best birthday present ever!
I absolutely loved being pregnant. No morning sickness, no uncomfort, no farting at random times and places, no peeing myself. It was great. I was always just rubbing my tummy and talking to her, and eating with a big smile on my face. I could've kept her in there atleast another month longer than she was in there.
Before we knew it, It was the holidays and oh my goodness how wonderful it is to be pregnant during the holidays... yum yum. I kindof wish I was pregnant this year too so I could eat like I did last year! But I knew that the colder it gets the sooner we are having this baby! Christmas went by quicker than it ever has and all of a sudden we are at the doctor to check if I'm dilated at all, and out of no where the doctor says "There are a lot of risks after so and so weeks gestation and I think you need to be induced on Friday."
The day was Tuesday and I thought I was going to pee myself! We left the doctor and I kept saying "I'm not ready, Maddie's not ready. I can keep her in here as long as she wants to stay. I don't want to go. Do I have to go? We're going to get to the hospital parking lot and I'm gunna run away, all pregnant and in my slippers!" Matt kept telling me, "no honey. You'll be okay. Everything is going to be fine." I kinda wanted to smack him across the face and say "of course cause you're not the one who has to go through it all!"
So it was Thursday night and we were ready to go to the hospital at 10am. I laid in bed for a good 3 hours or so, tossing and turning, trying to get some sleep. How hard is it to go to sleep when you know you are going to have a baby in the morning? Not so easy. I finally fell asleep around 5am. Then I woke up to see what time it was at 6 and then again at 7 and at 8. I woke up to the alarm at 9am...
